Roast jokes

You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"

Your mama is so fat, when I think of her in my head, she just broke my neck.

Have you ever heard of a dream that that that that the universe was a fake machine?

Me and your mom in the bed.

I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.

You're like a cat, all you do is eat and sleep.

Yo mama's so fat that when she went sky diving, she caused another global extinction.

Me: Are you an alien?

Friend: No.

Me: Yeah, because you're too ugly to be one.

Earth is full. Go home!

My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?

He was roasted.

My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.

If I were a judge and gave you a sentence, I would sentence you to life for your looks.

Yo mama sooooooo fucking fat, when she takes a step, she needs a 5-min break.

Do you want to hear a joke?

You.

I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."

You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. When I'm taking out the trash, I remember you.

If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?