Roast jokes

You're like a cat, all you do is eat and sleep.

Yo mama's so fat that when she went sky diving, she caused another global extinction.

Me: Are you an alien?

Friend: No.

Me: Yeah, because you're too ugly to be one.

Earth is full. Go home!

My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?

He was roasted.

My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.

If I were a judge and gave you a sentence, I would sentence you to life for your looks.

Yo mama sooooooo fucking fat, when she takes a step, she needs a 5-min break.

Do you want to hear a joke?

You.

I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."

You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. When I'm taking out the trash, I remember you.

If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?

I would roast you, but I'm not supposed to burn trash.

Your hairline goes back to when Adam and Eve were born.

you look like a dumb crab. When everyone sees you, the world will end.

If you had the strength of an ant, you could lift the pyramid of Giza.

(Ants can lift items 20x their weight.)

You're the type of person to play "Girl on Fire" during a funeral.