Roast jokes
When you step on the scales, it says "to be confined."
Mom, shut up. Me? I don't shut up, I grow up. When I look at you, I throw up.
Yo mama so fat, she uses the Gulf of Mexico as her hot tub!
I would roast you but you're already so hot.
You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.
What's the difference between a boomerang and your dad?
Boomerangs come back.
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Your mum is so fat that when she looks in the mirror, the mirror cracked!
Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.
Everyone at the barbecue...
When someone says: "You're a mistake."
Say: "The only mistake I see is right in front of me."
Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?
Me: Look at the stars in the sky.
Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?
Me: No, it’s a waste of time.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.
Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.
Your mum is so fat she sat on Walmart and lowered the prices.
Are you adopted?
No.
I mean, who would want you?
Guy: Are you tired?
His “Crush”: No.
Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?
His “Crush”: That’s sweet.
Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.
I would like to call you as dumb as a rock, but they can hold a door open.
Your mama is so fat that she took a picture at Christmas, and it's still downloading.
Are you a fire alarm because you're loud and annoying?
The one good thing about an orphan is that they don't get roasted with a "yo mama" joke.
Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."
So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.
Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."
My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.