Retail jokes
What do a Family Dollar and an orphan have in common? They both have a "f" in "family."
I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨
"It looks like she went into Claire’s Boutique, fell on a sale rack, and said, ‘I’ll take it!’" — Bianca Del Rio, RuPaul’s Drag Race
What store is the most public?
Publix!
Kobi shops at Aldi.
What’s the difference between a priest and target?
Nothing, they both have children’s pants half off.
Why do emos get discounts at every shop? Because they have barcodes on their wrists.
I like dicks... sporting goods.
Why can't orphans go to Costco?
Because it's a family shop.
A girl asked her mom, "Why is my name Walmart?"
Her dad replied and said, "Because that’s where you were made."
Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."
Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost? The nearest Shell station.
I went into the supermarket; everything was half off. Of course, I took the bottom half of Spider-Man.
Why does Michael Jackson like to shop at Walmart?
Little boys' pants are half off!
What story does an orphan always get kicked out of? Home Depot.
Why did the dwarf get a job at Lidl?
Because every Lidl helps.
Why did the priest go to the clothing sale at Walmart?
He heard that little boy's pants were half off.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"
Your mom is so stupid, she got lost in Bed Bath & Beyond and slept on the floor.
The cashier kicked me out because when he asked for 99 cents, I gave him 99 scents.