Remembering Jokes

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle

Why the fuck would I do that. I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn in my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me in the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watch and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with my I wouldn't feel lonely. Well I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, i took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forgot the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forgot what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what i did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish, is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

I took my friend skydiving ones and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute then I remembered he was emo

any one remember the following

Her Name was Lola

She was a loner

At the Copa

Then I saw her

And i got a boner

The next morning

She couldn't remember if I banged her

I sat down and reminised about the past, I remembered all the people I've lost along the way. Maybe becoming a Tour Guide wasn't a good idea.

I've been looking for my parents for years.for the life of me I can't remember where I hid their bodies

So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well, there's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.

I'm scared that it moves at night.

I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my off it.

One day i visited my friend in a hospital I remember when i spoke "You know, sometimes it's reaching its peak and its lowest state, but i know you'll always end like the others at calming and straight" Yes, i talked about heart monitor beside him

Pinned Comment: Reminder: Check the fridge, but remember nothings in there.

I’ll always remember my father’s last words: I’m gonna sleep for a little.

You think THAT'S bad?!? Remember the time I was in Paris with Donny de Francovich?

Remember kids Ejaculate then Evacuate

don't you hate when you have sex with your teacher then remember your home schooled?

I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather. Good thing is, since he hit his head he can't remember either.

Why did Sally drown in the pool?She had no arms remember.

An orphan walks on a path asking for his mum soon he remembers he dont have a mum (also i had sex with ur mum ahe was screaming daddy~ ;) )

why was the milky way remembered... because its... DELICIOUS!

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma. Why is that man in a box?" and she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "WHAT KIND OF BOX DID HE LIVE IN BEFORE?! HOW IS THIS BOX BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE?! IT'S JUST A BOX!" And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

we hired this boy to pick up dog poop we just remembered that we don't have a dog

My wife told me to pass her some chapstick but then I realized she hasn’t talkin to me in a month ten remembering I gave her super glue.........ehh I’m done with her big ass mouth