Religion jokes
Q: Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?
A: He hates getting nailed to the boards.
What did Jesus say when they removed the nails from his hands?
"Feet! Feet!"
If Satan is the devil, he's pretty sus.
Why is a priest different from acne?
Acne waits to come on your face.
How did Jesus become self-sovereign?
He screws himself and becomes his own creator.
Jesus will be history when I realize he's behind me.
What do Jesus and a painting have in common?
They hang by nails.
A guy was dying after getting stabbed in a church. He said to the priest, "Please say a prayer for me," and the priest said, "I ain’t got nun left." Then he died.
The only difference between you and Jesus is that Jesus believed in himself.
How many altar boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on how dark the priests' basement is.
What's the difference between Jesus and a holy whore?
Jesus got pegged against a cross.
What's Christian and holey?
JFK.
Why does Saturn have a ring?
Because God liked it, so he put a ring on it.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture frame?
It only took one nail to hang the picture frame.
The Bible said, "Adam and Eve..." So I did both.
I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."
Do you have a halo, cause I can give you one.
Going to church, you don't think you are Christian.
Sleeping with ten men, you don't think you are straight.
What's the difference between a priest and Woody from Toy Story?
Woody goes limp when a kid walks in the room.
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."