What’s a Muslim’s favorite car?
A Citroën C4.
[God creating sharks]
God: Ok give them 3 rows of teeth.
Angel: Seems excessive but ok.
God: And make them mean as hell.
Angel: WTF y.
God: BECAUSSE I SAID SO.
Angel:...
God: And make one of the types have a hammer for a head.
Angel: Why do I still work for you?
God: Because I’m the only employer as of right now.
What's the difference between my imaginary friend and God?
None.
They're both imaginary.
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
One afternoon, a man was walking to a bar after work. Across the street, an Irish nun stood there waving her arms at the man. "Look at this poor drunkard! The Lord does not love him! He will be sent to Hell!" the nun shouted.
The man walked over to the nun. "Hey! I had a hard day at work! I was going to get ONE beer! Have you ever even tried a drink before?" the man asked. The nun looked down and shook her head. "Well, if you tried it, you would probably like it! Would you want to try something?" the man asked. The nun replied, "Okay, only one thing."
"What would you like?" asked the man. He offered her beer and whiskey, but she declined. "How about a little gin?" the man concluded. "Okay, sure. But, can you ask them to put it in a mug so people don't see what I'm drinking?" asked the nun.
"Fine," the man walks into the bar and waves to the bartender. "Hey, can I have a bottle of beer and a bit of gin? Also, can that be in a mug?" asked the man. The bartender looked up, with fury in his eyes. "Don't tell me that damn nun is out there again!" the bartender said.
What does a priest and time have in common? They're both predators.
What to gift a child molester who already has everything? A bigger county with more believers.
Jesus is a rock music fan.
Because he likes Nine Inch Nails.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, he got nailed before he died!
Why did you always see Michael Jackson wearing two white gloves?
Because masturbation is against Michael Jackson's religious beliefs.
When someone says, "Jesus," I say, "Bitch, where?"
Adam and Eve had sex. It was paradise.
What’s my favorite Islamic Holiday... 9/11.
What’s the difference between a pimple and a Priest?
You see, a pimple wouldn’t normally come on a kid until he’s 13 years old.
What happens when an angel and nun "have some fun and forget pills"?
The nun gets pregNUNt.
Why don't Amish people water ski?
Because their horses would drown.
Why don't churches have WiFi? They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works
Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.
What is an angel's favorite kind of tortilla chip dip?
GuacaHOLY!
Which company likes Jesus the most?
IHS Markit!
