Religion jokes

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Scientists make skyscrapers and airplanes.

Religion crashes them.

Roses are red, the Jews are a cult.

I've practiced Metzitzah b'peh on adults.

Hey, 2nd Amendmenters! Wanna know what gun Jesus used during his time?

What?

A nail gun!

Who's better, Hitler or Jesus?

Hitler: Jesus made bread for 1000 whereas Hitler made meat for 10,000. 😅😅😅😅 (no offense)

(To circumcised people)

I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."

A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”

What's the difference between a priest and Woody from Toy Story?

Woody goes limp when a kid walks in the room.

How many altar boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on how dark the priests' basement is.

Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”

Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.

What's the difference between a drill and a priest?

Nothing, they both like screwing stuff!

When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.

What did Allah say when he created the universe?

-Allahu akbar!!!

I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"

I used to think that Jewish people were a myth.

But one day I realized, they Israel.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.

The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.

A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.

When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"

The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.

Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"

God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"