Religion jokes

A priest asks a convicted murderer on the electric chair, "Do you have any last request?"

"Yes," said the murderer, "Will you hold my hand?"

Q: Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

A: He hates getting nailed to the boards.

If Satan is the devil, he's pretty sus.

What's Christian and holey?

JFK.

What's the difference between Jesus and a holy whore?

Jesus got pegged against a cross.

The Bible said, "Adam and Eve..." So I did both.

Do you have a halo, cause I can give you one.

You would think catholic churches would be in favor of condoms: less DNA evidence.

Going to church, you don't think you are Christian.

Sleeping with ten men, you don't think you are straight.

I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."

I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.

A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Roses are red, the Jews are a cult.

I've practiced Metzitzah b'peh on adults.

Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”

Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.

What did Allah say when he created the universe?

-Allahu akbar!!!

I used to think that Jewish people were a myth.

But one day I realized, they Israel.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.