Religion jokes
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Bishop," said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop," said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated, replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys. Thank you, Jesus, for creating baptism.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
Why is Lani Jesus? Go die.
Jesus walked, so Mohammad can fly.
A person had a child named Bl, another named Es, and one named S. The next was named You. They were a very unholy family.
Their children were shamed upon because their names spell out "Bless you."
What is Jesus' favorite band?
Nine Inch Nails.
This guy is boiling water. The girl walks in and says, “What are you doing?” The guy says, “I’m making Holy Water.” She said, “How?” He said, “I’m boiling the hell out of it.”
The very young and pretty nun was walking home from the soup kitchen when a homeless man dragged her into the woods and had his way with her.
When he was done, he asked her what she would tell the Mother Superior when she got back to the convent. She calmly said that she would tell her the truth.
She said: "I will tell her that I was on my way home when the most disgusting, repulsive, and abhorrent man dragged me into the woods and had his way with me... twice; that is if you are not too tired."
Why do orphans go to church on family day? cuz they get to spend time with their father.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.
What’s the difference between a zit and a priest? The zit waits 'til you're 12 to cum on your face.
What is the difference between Catholics and Lutherans?
Catholics are registered sex offenders.
A man goes into Heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa’s clock, it has never moved because she has never lied."
"There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice."
"Where is Donald Trump’s?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
Why can't Jesus judge gay people?
He got nailed right before he died.
How did the priest know the nun was on her period? He tasted blood on the altar boy's cock.
What does a priest and time have in common? They're both predators.
What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?
"My bum hurts!"
What do you get when you cross a priest with a toilet?
Holy shit.
My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.