Religion Jokes

Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"

What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest?

Father Les.

I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are through the roof!

What's a similarity between The Ark of the Covenant, The Holy Grail and a bunch of 12 year olds?

They are all locked in the Priest's basement.

Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?

Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!

👼😞

A statue of an angel with its hand over its face, looking disappointed. The text reads, "I have a feeling that My guardian angel sometimes looks at me like this."

If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.

Why are Egyptian gods orphans?

Because Egypt needs to sell Anubis (a new bus) every year to make a prophet.

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

Hey God, what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.

Sounds like a match made in heaven.

A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"

Did Jesus die a virgin?

Nah, he got nailed...

Baptism, a chance for the priest to bathe you.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

One day, a priest and a nun went to play golf together.

In the first shot, the priest missed his shot and said, "Fuck, I missed it!"

The nun replied, "Hey, you should not curse."

In the second shot, the priest missed his shot again and said, "Fuck, I missed again!"

The nun replied, "Hey, stop swearing, or else God will punish you."

In the next shot, the priest missed once again. He shouted, "Fuck this, this game is bullshit!"

The nun replied, "Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime now."

Suddenly, a thunderbolt struck the nun and killed her. The clouds separated from the sky, and there was a voice in the sky saying, "Oh, fuck, I missed!"

A wise man once said, "don't think young, think tight." He was a priest.

On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."