Religion jokes
Q: What is the difference between Austin Matthews and a priest?
A: One looks like a pedophile and one is a pedophile.
Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?
Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.
What do you call a Muslim guy in a bathtub?
A bath bomb 💣
One day, a priest loses his cock (chicken). He goes to the church and says, "Who has seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?" Half the women's hands went up. "No, no, no, who has seen my cock?" All the nuns' hands went up.
Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
The bible says to love your neighbors as you love yourself.
So I treat everyone like garbage.
What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest?
Father Les.
"Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death"?
Maybe in infidel America but.... it is #1 in the Glorious Iran.
🇮🇷🇮🇷🇮🇷🇮🇷
Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"
I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are through the roof!
Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?
Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!
You should know how important it is to wash your sex toys.
That's why priests invented baptism.
Why are Egyptian gods orphans?
Because Egypt needs to sell Anubis (a new bus) every year to make a prophet.
On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."
Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!
Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!
Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Nah, he got nailed...
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
Baptism, a chance for the priest to bathe you.
So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."