Religion jokes

Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.

The bible says to love your neighbors as you love yourself.

So I treat everyone like garbage.

One day, a priest loses his cock (chicken). He goes to the church and says, "Who has seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?" Half the women's hands went up. "No, no, no, who has seen my cock?" All the nuns' hands went up.

Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"

What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest?

Father Les.

I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are through the roof!

What's a similarity between The Ark of the Covenant, The Holy Grail and a bunch of 12 year olds?

They are all locked in the Priest's basement.

Q: What's the difference between LeBron James and a priest?

A: The size of balls they play with.

Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?

Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!

Why are Egyptian gods orphans?

Because Egypt needs to sell Anubis (a new bus) every year to make a prophet.

If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

Hey God, what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.

Sounds like a match made in heaven.

A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"

Did Jesus die a virgin?

Nah, he got nailed...

On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."

Baptism, a chance for the priest to bathe you.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

A wise man once said, "don't think young, think tight." He was a priest.

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.