Relationship jokes

Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!

A couple is on their first date.

Man: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

Never break a girl's/boy's/someone's heart. They only have one of them.

Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

What does a piece of gum and a gun have in common?

You pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.

Sister: You're adopted.

Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

I got jealous when my phone dies.

Pick up lines.

"One fish, two fish, three fish, I’m breaking up with you, b*tch!"

"Hey there little mister, I’m dating your sister."

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."

When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.

Ex: baby i miss u.

Me: sorry i can't talk, i'm at a funeral.

Ex: who died?!

Me: my feelings 4 u, bitch.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I only do anal, I thought you knew.

My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.

We had sex afterwards even though she lost.

So Kenny finally found his one true love.

But he can't be with her because it's illegal to marry your sister.

Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it.

I was pretty tight friends with my butt plug. But then we had a falling-out.

Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"

The priest says, "Because I'm a father."

Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."

The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."

Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."