Relationship jokes

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

I asked Siri why I am still single; she showed me a pic of my mom riding on my dick!

What do you call a cup with a handle?

A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(

what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?

sue the dating site for matching her with him.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

Sister: You're adopted.

Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(

Never break a girl's/boy's/someone's heart. They only have one of them.

Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.

I got jealous when my phone dies.

What does a piece of gum and a gun have in common?

You pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Something you can say at a job interview and during sex:

"I’m here for the new position?"

Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!

I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

A couple is on their first date.

Man: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.