Relationship jokes
One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.
All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.
Guy: Hi, how was your day today?
Woman: Good!
Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*
Guy: How many months pregnant are you?
Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.
I love my dog, Sadie.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
Because his cousin's name was Koshin, and he didn't want to live anymore.
It’s almost take her to Spirit Halloween, and then rail her in a spooky mask season.
Why do orphans love dogs?
Because dogs stay with them.
Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?
Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Mother!
Mother who?
It's your mother.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
People call my blind friend dumb sometimes.
She can't see the obvious.
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."
Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.
Q: Why can't orphans be gay?
A: Because they don't have anyone they can call "Daddy."
Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.
What do a blackjack dealer and my uncle have in common?
They both hit me face down on the table.
Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.
Girlfriend's ex: Why?
Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.
I want to cream, rn.
If there was a girl and a boy and the boy fell, what did the boy do to the girl?
He fell for her.