Relationship jokes
Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.
One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.
Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.
Like if your dad is abusive.
Sometimes I wish my gf was here, that way we could have some fun in my bed. Then I realize she's right across the hall. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA)!!
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
Memes
Incest.
When "slow down and apply more lube bro" REALLY means slow down and apply more lube bro.
Why did Stephen Hawking's wife get annoyed with him?
He had an affair with Alexa.
Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.
My girlfriend's a porn star.
She'd kill me if she found out.
Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.
Me: Guess who came crawling right back?
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.
Why does a heterosexual man believe that if a heterosexual man gets his dick sucked by another heterosexual man it's called a "brojob"?
Because it's male bonding.
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Get over here so I can fuck you.
Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.
The jury: O.o
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.
Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.