Relationship jokes

I like my dates like I like my wine...

Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.

What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

What did the cow and bull do for their first date? - Dinner and a Moovie.

Husband: "I think I might take a picture of your breasts and frame it."

Wife: "I think I'll take a picture of your penis and enlarge it."

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?

sue the dating site for matching her with him.

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.

Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.

Sometimes I wish my gf was here, that way we could have some fun in my bed. Then I realize she's right across the hall. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA)!!

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

She comes home with sparkles on her face.

My girlfriend's a porn star.

She'd kill me if she found out.

Incest.

When "slow down and apply more lube bro" REALLY means slow down and apply more lube bro.

Why did Stephen Hawking's wife get annoyed with him?

He had an affair with Alexa.

My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.

My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

Why does a heterosexual man believe that if a heterosexual man gets his dick sucked by another heterosexual man it's called a "brojob"?

Because it's male bonding.

My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!

I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."