Relationship jokes
EVERYONE:
"My boyfriend, Danny, broke up with me. Can some hot guy come, so I can interview them and see if they wanna date me?"
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.
I went on a date with an Eastern European chick. She got mad because I rushed her...
Get it? It's Russia, and I rushed her.
They say the polar ice caps are melting, good, because my wife's a fat, cold bitch.
The highest praise my wife gave to me was when she told me, "The best feminine attribute on your body as a woman would be your p🍆nis." 🥰
Joe Mama!
What do my cock and money have in common?
Your mom.
You tell your dad what one plus one is and he says five. You forgot that your dad's brain is on the floor.
Why does an orphan cry when we say "ur mom?"
Because they have no mom.
"Can we do 69?"
"How about we do 9/11 since we will crash together?"
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they don't have someone to call daddy.
"Hey, is that a peach?"
*gets slapped on the butt*
"Noted."
My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.
When your wife takes 30 minutes to get ready.
Me: Takes five minutes.
Me: Hun, you done yet?
*Son comes out as gay*
Me: What's 17 more years?
Are you winter? Because you will be coming soon.
What do women and dog turds have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Dmitriy has no mother.
Why are there only 362 days in an orphan's calendar? They don’t have Father's Day, Mother's Day, or Family Day.