Relationship jokes

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.

I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.

Why wouldn’t Mr. Bee 🐝 push Ms. Bee 🐝 away?

Because he loves his honey.

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There are 20 of them.

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."

I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.

She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?

Son: A ugly girl.

Dad: Why not a pretty girl?

Son: A pretty one might run away.

Dad: So an ugly one might too.

Son: Yeah, but who cares?

How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!

A man asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat one night, and she said "Chinese food," so he took her to China. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Indian," so he took her to India. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Nothin'," so he took her to Africa.

The orphan: why don't my parents love me? Me: because you don't have any.

Wife: "Hi honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not...."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.