Relationship Jokes

What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?

Honey, I'm home!

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

How do women make you a millionaire?

When you're a billionaire.

Bestfriend meme

The image shows a two-panel scene from a TV show. In the top panel, a man stands on a ledge and says, "I'm going to jump!". In the bottom panel, another man with a megaphone yells "Do a flip!" while text above him reads "*best friend*".

Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?

Son: A ugly girl.

Dad: Why not a pretty girl?

Son: A pretty one might run away.

Dad: So an ugly one might too.

Son: Yeah, but who cares?

How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.

A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There are 20 of them.

Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.

American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"

Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"

German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"

I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.

She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.

Wife: "Hi honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not...."

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?

All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.

One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!