Relationship jokes
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
I saw my girlfriend walking by. I told her, "Wow, you look so beautiful!" and then we started to talk. Then someone came behind me. She said, "What are you doing?" I said, "I'm flirting," and I remember I was talking to my mom, and my girlfriend was HER MOM, which is my sister, but my girlfriend/sister IS MY WIFE, but my mom is my wife too. Looks like I'm getting a divorced but which one, my girlfriend [or] my mom?
How am I an ableist? My ex-girlfriend was in a wheelchair, and we lived in the same old building with a broken elevator. I ended the relationship by moving to the 8th floor.
My uncle hid my weed, so I hid his wheelchair.
What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There are 20 of them.
Gf: "You are a drug."
Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"
Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."
Say this to someone who is fat that you don't like (make sure he's a virgin):
"You're so fat you can sell shaaade!! That's why you're a virgin and you masturbaaate!!! Yeah, I've see you, touching your 1 centimetre and if you have a gf she's is a cheater!!"
Make sure to say "shaaade" not "shade". And say "maturbaaate" (also try to say a D not a T in maturbaaate) not "masturbate".
Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.
Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.
Next day:
Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?
Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.
The dad sulked for 3 whole years.
Proof that words really can hurt.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.
What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?
Her abortion.
They say birds of a feather flock together, so I guess that’s why Kris and common sense haven’t met yet.
Why is your nan gay? Because she's an orphan.
Like, and comment if you're single.
I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.
No one goes in there without my permission!
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.