Relationship jokes

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

Son: Dad, where are you?

Dad: Getting another one.

Son: Getting what?

Dad: Dad.

Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

How do 4 gay guys fit on one stool at the same time?

They flip it over.

"Karma is the guy on the Chiefs, Coming straight home to me."

How did the Emo ask the other Emo out?

"Wanna hang together?"

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, When life gets tough, I'll stand by you.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In this world of chaos, I find peace with you.

What is the difference between your dad and a video game?

Your dad doesn’t beat you.

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed."

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.

A lesbian couple and a gay couple are going to San Francisco. Who made it first?

The lesbian couple got there lickety-split.

The gay couple was still packing their shit.

I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"