Relationship jokes

How did the Emo ask the other Emo out?

"Wanna hang together?"

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, When life gets tough, I'll stand by you.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In this world of chaos, I find peace with you.

What is the difference between your dad and a video game?

Your dad doesn’t beat you.

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed."

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.

A lesbian couple and a gay couple are going to San Francisco. Who made it first?

The lesbian couple got there lickety-split.

The gay couple was still packing their shit.

I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?

Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.

Why is hand holding a couple thing? Because they touch each other's genitals anyway.

What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.