Relationship jokes

My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.

She's not the only one who can play that game.

What's the difference between you and my dad? You come home.

I just did a test to see who my soulmate is, and it said "best friend." So I guess I am gay. I think so, WTF.

How can you tell that a blonde likes you? She only gives three fucking nights in a row.

I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet!"

Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."

By a tweaker with AIDS.

Why can orphans not get married?

They are dad can't walk them down the aisle!

Me: *watching TV*

Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!

Me: Really?

Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.

Hey, this is to orphans:

"Orphans are ugly. We need to know each other :D We need to date, cause ur hot and so am I and orphans rly are ugly!!!!"

To Tina: Hi, love, you're my oldest and dearest friend. I will love you for as long as I live. I luvv you so much, my sweetest, dearest darling.

How on God's green earth does my boyfriend have a phone?

JK WE NEED TO TALK ILL TYPE THE SECRET CODE (YOU'LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.) GREEN PUSSY CAT LIKES BANNANS.

"Alex! We need to talk! Now!"

Who wants to be my boyfriend?

My ex was so full of shit, she probably poured toilet cleaner in her nose to get relief.

Your uncle Jack is stuck on a horse.

Would you help your uncle "Jack" off the horse?

Are you my friend?

Because I would make you more than that.

Me: Mom, stop, you are not funny. You never make jokes.

Mom: I made you.

What do people have a shot at when it comes to love? Shooting them in the heart.

freshfry, we need to talk now...