Relationship Jokes

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don't worry, it's just a couple.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They have no one to call "daddy."

Why do I only date orphans?

Because they never have daddy issues.

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

Therapist: So what brought you here today?

Wife: He's too literal.

Therapist: And you, sir?

Husband: My truck.

Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."

Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They have no one to call daddy.

No matter how much I love cake...

I would never dessert you.

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've told her twice.

My uncle and I have somewhat of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.

My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.

Why wouldn’t Mr. Bee 🐝 push Ms. Bee 🐝 away?

Because he loves his honey.

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.