Relationship jokes
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Most states:
"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."
Alabama:
"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."
Why do I only date orphans?
Because they never have daddy issues.
😮💨 KAREN
My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.
You want to hear some marriage jokes?
Don't worry, it's just a couple.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy."
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."
The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"
The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"
"Yellow and far apart."
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."
Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call daddy.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've told her twice.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.