Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy."
Why do I only date orphans?
Because they never have daddy issues.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call daddy.
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."
Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."
Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
You want to hear a dirty joke?
This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've told her twice.
Why wouldn’t Mr. Bee 🐝 push Ms. Bee 🐝 away?
Because he loves his honey.
My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.
They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.
I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.
... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.
My uncle and I have somewhat of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.
The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"
The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"
"Yellow and far apart."
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.
