Relationship jokes
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”
That's the best I've done so far.
Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.
Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
What’s the key to a successful relationship?
Consent.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"
The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"
"Yellow and far apart."
jim please
Most states:
"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."
Alabama:
"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."
Why do I only date orphans?
Because they never have daddy issues.
The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole."
The ass replied, "Yes, but you still keep coming."
My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.
You want to hear some marriage jokes?
Don't worry, it's just a couple.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy."
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."
Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call daddy.
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've told her twice.