Relationship jokes

Some dude called me a tool.

So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Guess he was right :/

Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.

Imagine not having parents. Lol.

What is the difference between a normal joke and a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

A woman walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs.

The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea with that." The woman replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."

Wanna hear a joke about Donald Trump?

Ok, Melania totally married him for his good looks, believe me!

What do you call an orphan's family photo?

A selfie.

Roses are red, violets are blue, When I see you, I play with my poo.

I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.

My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

Son: Hey Dad, can I play Fortnite?

Dad: I don't know, do you want a girlfriend?

Kenny: "Tyler, you're lucky you're adopted."

Tyler: "Why?"

Kenny: "Because you can fuck your mom without getting arrested for incest."

What did Michael Jackson say before he broke up with Billie Jean?

"Billie Jean is not my lover!"

Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?

Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.

Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.

5 minutes later

Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?

Teacher, the one sucking it?

Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.

Hey guys, it's Hailey here.

I'ma start off with henlo ;-;

I know you guys aren't going to believe me because of the assholes who were faking to be me, but if you can try to believe me, I'll explain.

So, Jake, we can't really be together anymore, since we no longer can chat. I'm so sorry.

Basically, my parents caught us on here as you realized. Yayyyy.

I don't have time to say anything else. So I've gotta go, but thankyou guys for everything you did for me.

Also, you won't get any response from me so yea. So sorry guys ;-;

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck it off...

A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."

My mom is a chemistry teacher.

Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.

Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!