Relationship jokes

What are the best kind of fruit for twins? Pears 🍐

I heard you were looking for a stud. I have the STD, and all I need is U.

When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.

The eyelash and the lipstick got into a fight. Soon they will make up.

What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.

Can we have sex, because if we don't, I can't like you, big, thick booty!

So let's have sex in bed, you sexy woman, or behind a tree, because shoving my dick in your pussy is a very nice feeling while sucking your ass.

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

My uncle hid my weed, so I hid his wheelchair.

My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.

Do you work at Subway? Because you turn my 6 inch into a footlong.

Did you hear about the lesbians who are suing their contractor?

He used nails when they wanted tongue and groove.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

Why are Black women dating white men?

So their kids don’t have to worry about not meeting their father.

It's not incest if you're adopted.

The highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.

What’s the difference between a woman and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

I had sex with a disabled girl. You can say I handiclapped those cheeks.

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.