Relationship jokes

I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.

Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.

When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.

The highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.

I had sex with a disabled girl. You can say I handiclapped those cheeks.

Did you hear about the lesbians who are suing their contractor?

He used nails when they wanted tongue and groove.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

Prince will be coming back in 10 mins here is a joke.

Gwen: Prince sorry but I'm wanting someone else instead. You've just been a complete jackass toward me, sorry good night.

Prince: Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gwen: Good night!

Prince: Why?

Gwen: Because...now good night!

Prince: We can work some things out?

Gwen: Nope...NOW GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!!

To be continued

What’s the difference between women and condoms?

There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

Why are wives also called a housekeeper?

Because after the divorce, they keep the house.

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

What did Michael Jackson say before he broke up with Billie Jean?

"Billie Jean is not my lover!"

I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.

Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Foreplay in may areas: "You awake?"

Way down South: "You awake, mom?"