Relationship jokes
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
The job keeps sucking after 5 years.
My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.
Who makes the best anteaters?
Uncle's... (Aunt eaters)
Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.
The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"
Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.
...
I guess her rubber broke too.
What's the worst thing you can say to a widow?
"I'm sorry, I just had to."
My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.
Bf: Hey, what ya doing?
Gf: Just lying in bed.
Bf: Just lying in bed?
Gf: And eating cereal.
Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?
Gf: Eat my cereal.
Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.
Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.
The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.
When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"
Why can’t orphans have sex?
They have no one to call "daddy."
When you’re trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire. Shit, have I had to suck a lot of cock lately!?
A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle, and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do, and finally the friend said, "Why don't you just use me?" The boyfriend said, "Why did I not think of using the third wheel?"
I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.
How do you get two deaf people from fighting?
Turn off the lights and walk out.
Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.
Yo mama is like train tracks; she gets laid all around the country.
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?
What are the best kind of fruit for twins? Pears 🍐