A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.
Crush: "How much do you love me?"
Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."
Crush: "But it's morning."
Me: "Exactly."
My sister's boyfriend is mad at me because I fucked his girl.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box!
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.
My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."
So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.
Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."
Closer kin, deeper in!
What do you call a single bisexual?
All bi myself.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
What's the best part about plowing your cousin?
- It makes your sister jealous.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.
Why are Alabamians so resentful of immigrants?
They don't want their sons and daughters to have sex with anyone other than their siblings or relatives.
