Relationship jokes

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

Crush: "How much do you love me?"

Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."

Crush: "But it's morning."

Me: "Exactly."

Closer kin, deeper in!

My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.

Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.

Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.

But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

What do you call a single bisexual?

All bi myself.

Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.

What's the best part about plowing your cousin?

- It makes your sister jealous.

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently, "in HD" wasn't a good answer.

Bully: "Nobody loves you."

Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.