Roses are red,
My nuts are bigger than your small balls, that's why I get all the bitches.
Your mum is so fat, all her relationships are long distance.
I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.
Sometimes women are like bad snacks. People try them and then chuck them in the trash.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, grabbed her thigh, and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a daughter.
Haha, I fucked you over!
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.
When an orphan takes a pic, is it known as a family picture? 📸
Why is there only a glory hole in the handicapped stall in some public men's restrooms?
Because a gay man that is not physically handicapped can't receive a blow job from a gay man that is physically handicapped under the handicapped stall.
The only thing colder than Siberia is my girlfriend's ex!
Knock knock. Who's there? Well, I will tell you who's not there: my dad.
Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"
My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.
So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.
When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"
He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."
So if you say a bear shoots children, and Leah likes Mason Boswells, and I go to Benjamin Adlard year 6.
I had sex with my German girlfriend; it was kinda weird though. She kept yelling her age. I don't know why.
I miss the good old days when you could have a light joke at someone else's expense. Like doing that marital rape thing, it never used to be called that. It used to be called "serving your husband" or "wifely duties". The real joke is that it was legal until 1990.
Why is that a joke?
Because it is piss funny seeing the look on her face when she wakes up in the middle of coitus.
Why is that a joke?
Dude, come on, you want to start your day off happy or not?
Why is that a joke?
She literally looks like she just seen a ghost and sort of flops about trying to fend you off like a rag doll. It's piss funny.
No seriously, dude, why is that a joke? It sounds more like a felony.
"My wife is so crazy," said Beatem's McSmasher.
"Why?" asked his buddy Don Caretomarch.
"She's sitting on the front verandah packing my shit in boxes!"
"You getting kicked out, bro?"
"Yeah, all I did was break every plate in the house over her head. Some people have no sense of humor."
"Is she one of them woke bitches?"
My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home.
Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
Dad: Hey, uh... you're adopted.
Dog: *frown*
