Relationship jokes
Your nan.
I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.
She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
Why did Chad date the 9 yr old?
Because Stellas hot.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
Because his cousin's name was Koshin, and he didn't want to live anymore.
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."
What did the man say to his wife? "Make me a damn sandwich, woman!"
Before: Caring & Noble.
After: Chernobyl.
Son: Hey dad, why is my name Canada?
Dad: Because you were made there.
Mum: We haven't been to Canada.
Dad: Hol' up a minute.
Daughter: Where was I born?
Dad: Alabama.
Daughter: That is nice.
Mum: We have never been to Alabama.
Dad: RUN!
Son: Hey Dad, can I play Fortnite?
Dad: I don't know, do you want a girlfriend?
Girl: Mom, meet my boyfriend.
Mom: Meet my boyfriend.
Girl's boyfriend: Dad, is that you? Are you back from the supermarket with milk?
Mom's boyfriend: Uh, gtg.
Jack and Jill went up the hill for drunkin' wild sex.
Jack went by Jill to get a lick, and watched Jill get off on a stick.
Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a Viagra.
Jill was drunk, fell to her knee, Jack had his chance, did Jill till 3.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill.
Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill, "To build this still will take so long."
Jill said to Jack, "Well, f--k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill!"
Jack and Jill went up the hill. They turned to drunks and have no will. Jill said to Jack, "Your love reveal, then think of building me a still."
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.