Women are like tornadoes.
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Stop and apply lubrication.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it.
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
