Relationship jokes
So I told my sister, "Want [to] hear some jokes?" and she was like, "Hit me with [your] best shot, fire away," and I was like, "Okay, I know [you're] singing an old song, yeah I was trying to see if [you] sing too," and I said, "Who do [you] think I am, Chris Brown?"
A man walked into the kitchen and asked his blonde wife what she was doing. She said, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle. It's supposed to be a tiger, but all of the pieces are brown." Her husband then said, "Honey, those are frosted flakes."
A young woman goes for her first gynecological exam, and the nurse has her take off her clothes, put on a gown, and get in the stirrups. She tells her the doctor will be in in a minute.
The doctor comes in and tells the young lady that she has one of the most beautiful vaginas he’s ever seen, and he has seen a lot of them. She thanks him for the compliment. He tells her he is about to start the examination, but he is going to have to numb her first, when she says ok, he goes:
"Num num num num num!"
What do you call an orphan taking a family photo? A selfie.
Chase cheated on Charlie with Addison Rae.
Who's the smallest wife??
Micro-wife.
Hi, I did not get your text. I texted you when I texted you. You are not [responding].
What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?
$2 billion and high cholesterol.
My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.
I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.
I'm jealous of cancer. My dad beat me but never beat cancer.
My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.
Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.
A: What's the similarity between your girlfriend and the sun?
B: They're both hot?
A: They're both massive.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
There were two twin brothers, Lucas and Marcus. Marcus got a girlfriend while Lucas stayed single.
A few weeks later, Lucas was caught kissing Marcus's girlfriend, and Marcus comes over and says: "Babe, I know we're twins, but I'm Marcus, and that's Lucas you were kissing." And his girlfriend looks at him and says: "I know."
No one has my back like my dad.
Why did the orphan become a prostitute?
Because they needed someone to call "daddy".
My parents gave me a blowjob. It was a blowtastic time!
Blonde 1: Omg! Yesterday, I fucked a Brazilian!
Blonde 2: OMG YOU SLUT
Also Blonde 2: Wait, how much is a Brazilian?