What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?
I only stuff the turkey.
My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"
The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.
A person walks into the bar and said, "Hey barman, get my son a drink and tell him his dad is dead."
Who said that?
I love you
Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "
". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"
Divorce is scheduled for next month.
My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.
A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"
A boy was following me for 8 years, even into the stall. I finally told him I’m not gay.
Why does the large dildo not have any friends?
He's a pain in the ass.
How many times do you nut? It depends how hard you do it.
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
I looked at my daughter. I told her what's wrong.
She said I wasn't being a daddy to her until...
You can make fun of adopted kids all you want. What are they going to do, tell their parents on you? Lol.
Why wouldn’t Mr. Bee 🐝 push Ms. Bee 🐝 away?
Because he loves his honey.
Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?
Because he’s a fungi.
You'll never be lonely at cousinsonly.com.
There's a girl I like in my school, but she's always on her phone. It seems that I can't get a SIGNAL from her.
Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.
Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
If you have a twin sister, do you have the same name? Only if your mom and dad give you the same name.
