New Relationship Jokes - Page 2

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

My mother was suffering from menstrual pain. So I fucked her for 7 hours to ease her pain. I continued to do so for the next 6 days. Even after fucking her 51 times during her 7-day period, I fucked her 5-6 times a day for the next three months and stopped her period for 9 months! Only her son can understand and ease the pain of a mother.

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

How do you tell whether you’ve satisfied a redhead?

She unlocks the handcuffs.

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

What's the difference between sex and mental illness?

Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness.

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage.

A German priest went to America for a few months. Unfortunately for him, he did not speak the best English. He stayed with a beautiful, young single woman who worked at a nearby orphanage.

Every day, he visited her in the orphanage, and he always brought her small gifts, and of course to the young children.

The young woman thought the priest was flirting with him, and she knew he was not married. She left that thought in the back of her mind for a few weeks.

A few weeks later, she finally brought up her nerve to ask him. She asked him why he always visited her, and why all the gifts for her and the children.

Of course, due to his bad English, he struggled a bit with his sentence, but he said in his thick German accent, "Vell, I visit you and your, your littles, because the kind girls here are very beautiful and cute."

She was quite amused, and blushed a bit. The man was also a bit nervous, and appeared to want to leave her office.

The Priest then excused himself, and went to read the orphans a bedtime story.

He then muttered to himself, "Ach, she's catching on to me! Stupid! Zey are called little girls and boys, not child boys and girls."