What’s the key to a successful relationship?
Consent.
Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.
"Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?"
They say birds of a feather flock together, so I guess that’s why Kris and common sense haven’t met yet.
Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.
When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.
I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.
The dad finally came back with the milk!
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."
What's one thing that you can say about a train, but not your girlfriend?
Q: What do a prostitute and a vacuum have in common?
A: If they stop sucking, you can smack them until they start again.
When's the only time a rapeboat is quiet? When he got his uncle's cock in his mouth.
Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?
Slade must be WiFi... because I’m not feeling a CONNECTION.
Leo is like a cloud... when she disappears, it's a beautiful day.
Wanna play dolls?
I can be Ken, and you can be the box I come in.
I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.
I read the chapter of numbers, but nowhere did I ever see your number.
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
What’s worse than finger banging your sister?
Finding your dad’s wedding ring.
Rapboat has to drug his own drink to get laid.
