How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.
Her: I am scared!
Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.
My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.
Said the man angered to his wife:
"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"
I told a girl she was cute, and she said, "Aw, tysm."
How does she know I have that?
As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.
I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
After having a win at bingo, Ethel splashed out on some venison for tea.
During the meal, her daughter asked her mum what it was, to which she replied with a little smile... "It's what I call your father."
Little Jimmy threw down his knife and fork and jumped up sayin', "Oh My God! Don't eat it!!! It's a fucking Dick!"
Let's play twin towers, your thighs are the towers and my penis is the plane, coming in between.
When your girlfriend has been vomiting for 2 weeks and you find out she’s not pregnant.
Bf-*yes I knew it was a prank*
She has cancer.
Your mum stinks of disabled people.
Wanna know why?
I don't know either, you tell me.
Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you never turn your back on family.
The only thing drier than these jokes is your mom.
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?
How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.
Son: Dad, where are you?
Dad: Getting another one.
Son: Getting what?
Dad: Dad.
I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.
I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.
(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)
