Relationship jokes
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."
What do nail polish and panties have in common?
Both come off with alcohol.
My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.
💪 💪 🏋️♂️ What do you get when you cross a physically disabled gay white male who works out at the gym, who is a bukkake slut, and a physically disabled gay white male who works out at the gym, who is a sex worker?
Cum Junkie.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
You know why they call me 007?
0 girls.
0 chances.
7 restraining orders.
My cousin really loves baseball.
He always brags about how many home runs he hit in the minors.
What do Boy Scouts and IG models have in common?
They both be fucking sugar daddies.
My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.
The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.
It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.
What is the difference between a broom and a mop?
It’s hard to beat my girlfriend when she’s holding the mop.
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.
What’s the difference between video games and my dad?
My dad doesn’t beat me.
What do you call a guy who loves to eat out a hoe's pussy?
Answer: a Carnivwhore.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb!
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.
Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?
That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.