What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage
I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning there’s a lot of sucking and blowing but at the end you lose your house
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can
Like it’s my next meal
How did the Emo ask the other Emo out?
"Wanna hang together?"
my husband is mad that i have no sense of direction. so i packed up my stuff and right.
random Couple after their first night : Husband: it was very tasty.🥵 wife: aww thanks. Hus: does anyone had taste it before? wife:☠️
The longer the relationship, the longer the breakup will hurt you💔. Better Break up now ooo.🤣
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day. Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first. Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am. Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet. Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you. Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you. Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down. Most restaurants are closed at night.. but your legs aren’t. I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out. Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight. Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately... but I hope it’s you. Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream. Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you. Do you sing in the shower? Because if so I need a private ticket of your concert. Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between. Are you a blanket? Because your on top of me every night. Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7. Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream. I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not. Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down. Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up. Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
A couple is on their first date.
Man: How do you feel about sex?
Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Grandma: most people your age, have a family and are married. Why aren’t you?
Grandchild: most your age are dead. Why aren’t you?
Me and my girlfreind were walking in the woods, HER: I am Scared ME: What do you think I feel I have to walk back alone
My girl freind called me a cock sucker but HEY 20 dollars is 20 dollars
Let's play twin towers, your thighs are the towers and my penis is the plane, coming in between
How is $ex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
I asked my now ex boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.
I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.
(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat so yeah 😂)
Why do women always have sex with the lights off?
Because they never like to see a man having a good time.
