Relationship jokes

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.

What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

Been single for a couple of years and then I met this Muslim girl. She soon put the spark back into things.

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

What's the difference between a hoe and a prostitute?

One is a tool. The other is your mom.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

'Cause it's a place to eat.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

What's the difference between milk and my dad?

Nothing, I apparently am allergic to both because I never see either of them.

Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."

"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."

Little Johnny goes to his mum and asks, "Mummy, what's rape?"

Little Johnny's mum answers, "The way you got here."

Wanna make out, Explain Bear?