Record jokes
What record did Obama prove during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.
Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!
Who were the fastest runners ever? Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.
The first trains were often derailed. They had a bad track record.
Q: What do Olympians make bad DJs?
A: They keep breaking records!
Memes
You're so ugly that your birth certificate is an apology.
Yo momma's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter.
Who said white people can't jump?
Look at the footage from 9/11.
Yo mama so fat, she broke Usain Bolt's 100 meter speed record by taking ONE STEP!
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
Answer: 9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 5 seconds.
Sonic can run around the world in a second. I can do it in 0.5, but Chuck Norris has already done it before us.
Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"
"No."
"Have you always been honest?"
"No, never been caught!"
Your hairline goes so far back that it has no records of it happening in history.
Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.
Why was the rapper cold in the recording studio?
Because his bars were ice.
BlessedBrian’s mom’s birth certificate is a COLLECTOR’S ITEM.
How do rappers stay cool in the studio?
They turn on the mic and DROP THE HEAT!
I've got an impressive record at Russian roulette. Retired after one loss ever.
Did you know emo kids are the highest jumpers in the world? Some are still up there!
What's the difference between Lana Del Rey and Milli Vanilli?
Milli Vanilli won a Grammy.