Record jokes
Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!
Who were the fastest runners ever? Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.
The first trains were often derailed. They had a bad track record.
You're so ugly that your birth certificate is an apology.
Q: What do Olympians make bad DJs?
A: They keep breaking records!
Memes
The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.
I replied, "No. Is that still required?"
Who said white people can't jump?
Look at the footage from 9/11.
Yo momma's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter.
Yo mama so fat, she broke Usain Bolt's 100 meter speed record by taking ONE STEP!
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
Answer: 9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 5 seconds.
Sonic can run around the world in a second. I can do it in 0.5, but Chuck Norris has already done it before us.
Did you know emo kids are the highest jumpers in the world? Some are still up there!
Your hairline goes so far back even history can’t record it.
What's the difference between Lana Del Rey and Milli Vanilli?
Milli Vanilli won a Grammy.
Guys, put more comments in.
We are so close to beating the world record for most comments on this website, and the record is 171.
Sign in sheet!
Why do orphans have criminal records?
So they can be wanted.
I've got an impressive record at Russian roulette. Retired after one loss ever.
Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"
"No."
"Have you always been honest?"
"No, never been caught!"
Why was the rapper cold in the recording studio?
Because his bars were ice.