Record jokes
I was raped everyday for years. I can still smile. I hold the record for the widest asshole.
Sonic can run around the world in a second. I can do it in 0.5, but Chuck Norris has already done it before us.
Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.
Yo momma's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter.
Yo mama so fat, she broke Usain Bolt's 100 meter speed record by taking ONE STEP!
What type of people have the world record for most stories read in the shortest amount of time?
Emos, some of them are still in the air.
What record did Obama prove during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.
Shit, if somebody invades America, the Crips and the Bloods are gonna call a truce so that they can get the big toys out and call Geneva achievement. White women would ride into battle riding lions, tigers, and bears while claymore-strapped rhumbas swept the streets. There's a reason Putin keeps threatening to boom boom us with the boom booms and make you see x-rays before you go go.
We have freaking cannibals still. Hell, we have more guns than people. Dodging bullets has become a rite of passage. Just look at how we raise our kids on caffeine and M16s playing Call of Duty. Then we send them into the warzone known as the American public education system with no weapons. No means to protect themselves other than with their fists. Here Timmy, fight off the bullets with your bare fist and hope you can zig-zag. Hell, the quiet kids in this country start dropping bodies just cause you teased them. The fuck you think's gonna happen when Timmy can't get his damn chicken nuggets and you took his internet out?
Hell, the gangs in America would no longer make their money off the drugs illegally. They'd be our medics and taking bets on kill shots. Don't even get me started on the unhinged millennials the moment they can't get their mood stabilizers. War crimes would become an art form and we'd run around like we playing Pokemon. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! Americans would turn war crimes into an extreme sport while the military stands back and records it just so they can show the rest of the world the example of why not to fuck with us. Shit, Geneva Convention would turn into a to-do list on every American household fridge. We take that shit so seriously we'd have Comedy Central sending Kevin Hart to tell us rules for engagement. Racism in America would be single-handedly by ended as Billy Bob and Tyrone high five because they think they just unlocked the super secret duck hunt level with foreign paratroopers. Shit somebody please threaten us with a good time. Invade the United States. Let us show you why the first color in our flag is red.
Sign in sheet!
BlessedBrian’s mom’s birth certificate is a COLLECTOR’S ITEM.
A fat man coming in the store.
Waiter: Oh god, not again :|
Fat man: Hi, I would like three fries and 19 burgers.
Waiter: Sorry sir, you will get the owner's store out of stock on food. Can I get you a salad instead?
Fat man: Oh sorry, but I'm the owner, and I have a lot of stocks. For the record, you should get yourself my order. You're skinny af, girl. You trying to be a stick or something?
Want to hear a joke? Look at the Miami Dolphins football record.
Why can't you tell an Indian a secret? Because the red dot means they're recording!
Osama bin Laden
Got like 2,997 kills, damn, that's a new record!
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
Who were the fastest runners ever? Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.
Did you know emo kids are the highest jumpers in the world? Some are still up there!
My pp was in the Guinness World Record book.
The librarian then asked me to take it out.
What is the fastest thing in the world?
James Charles when he sees little boys.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
Answer: 9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 5 seconds.