Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
I recently got kicked out of a casino because I apparently misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”
Person 2: “Seven.”
Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”
Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”
(Based on an encounter I had recently)
I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.
It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!
I recently got pulled over by the cops and started spazzing out because of the police lights.
He arrested me for impersonating George Floyd.
*I have seizures*
Michael Jackson was recently sighted at Target. Why? The sale was all boys' pants half off!
There was a recent football match between Ethiopia and Egypt.
Egypt 8, Ethiopia 0.
I bought a Dalek egg timer recently...
After a few minutes, it shouts, "Eggs terminate!"
I recently saw a pun contest in NYC. The owners said there was a maximum of 10 puns that I could submit. I wrote 10 puns and submitted all of them in hopes that at least one would win--however, no pun in ten did.
I had to share a table recently with a disabled man. When I asked him for the salt and pepper, he had to make two trips.
One morning, Peppy and George came downstairs for breakfast, but they got a plate of juicy bacon. Their dad had recently gone missing, so they ate it quite sadly.
The next morning, they went to school and asked their teacher, "What is bacon made out of?" The teacher replied, "Pigs, why?" Peppa and George looked horrified.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What country has been the hottest in recent years?
Sri Lanka, they had 3 bombs in a day!
My girlfriend passed away recently.
At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.
Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.
I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!
According to a recent poll, your mother said, "I like the guy who saw the guy who doesn't have a brain!"
Who is the gorilla's favorite president of the most recent years? It's Hairy Truman.
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...
So recently I hit an orphan with a 2x4, and he started crying. What's he gonna do? Tell his family? XD
