Put jokes

A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”

I got kicked out of the library for putting the Women's Rights book in the fantasy section.

Last night I remember partying with friends to find blood on my nightstand.

Moments after, I scolded my friends to put my alarm clock back where they found it.

Put Helen Keller in George Floyd's position. How would she cry out for help? Would she just moan, or would she try to do sign language?

Why did Saturn have rings?

Because God liked it so he put a ring on it.

What song does Saturn sing?

"If you like it then you should have put a ring on it."

If you put an amputee with no limbs in a snuggie, it becomes a stubbie.

How do you piss off a disabled person?

You put the cookie on the other shoulder.

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You’re not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No, you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact, I don’t," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don’t care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.

A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

Do you know how babies are made? The boy puts his penis in the girl's butt and goes up and down for ten minutes. Then the girl takes a pregnancy test, and if it says no, then you keep doing it until she is pregnant.

The boy will lick the girl down there, and she will put his penis in her mouth and suck it. Then he will spit on his hand and rub it on her boobs and lick/suck them.

I put a pipe bomb in an orphanage. 🤡🤡

What does a skeleton put on his roof?

Shin-gulls.

What is the difference between a baby and a canoe?

I would never put a canoe in my garage.

This is really mean...

A man put a blind man in a circular room and said, "Your dinner's in the corner."

Kariana: Dad and mom, what is this bullshit?

Treon: How did you find that?!

Kariana: It was under the cabinet where you told me to put the streamers. I found these under the cabinet, did she have another sister you didn't tell me about? Now tell the truth, or else!

Petina: Now what have we told you about going into things that are not yours!

Kariana: I just told you to say the fricking truth, now who is Faineni? Where is she? Who is she? What is her date of birth? Why do I have her bra under here and why....IS IT UNDER THE FRICKING CABINET!!!!! ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!

Treon: We can't!

Kariana: BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!

What is red and puts out fire?

I have no toes, so I put blood on my foot, and then my other foot got run over, so, ye.

So I was making slime, so I put glue, and a lil' pump of lotion and slime activator. Ahah, lil pump, get it?

Q: How many cops does it take to put in a light bulb? A: None, they just beat the room for being black. 😂😂😂