Puns
What do you call a skeleton with no friends? Bonely.
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?
An escapea.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
"Guess how I got to Germany so fast?"
"Because I was Russian!"
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was stuck in a crack.
A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
What kind of pictures do turtles take?
Shelfies.
A roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers, please!"
What happened to the egg after it went on the rollercoaster?
It was scrambled.
I was about to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Don't trust stairs... They are always up to something.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.
Knock knock! Who's there? King Tut! King Tut who? King Tutty Fried Chicken!
How do you make antifreeze?
You steal her blanket.
What was the doctor's diagnosis on a dinosaur with a low sex drive? Teraerectile dysfunction.
I'm sorry for all the fish puns. I feel so GILL-ty.
Why don't dinosaurs lay eggs?
Because they're EGGstinct!
Cool, new word of the day: Marijuana.
“Does Marry wanna smoke a joint?”
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.