Puns
Want to hear a joke? Look at the Miami Dolphins football record.
I heard Kobe was writing a book about helicopters, but it just wouldn't land with people...
I know, I'm going to hell!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow?
Nothing, it was feeling blue.
Why don't dinosaurs lay eggs?
Because they're EGGstinct!
If my cat was a cactus, doesn't that make him a catus?
Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?
I’d really like to meter.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there? Control Freak. Con… OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
What room does a ghost not want to be in?
The living room.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just WAVED. Can you SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? Don't be a BEACH.
A man was raping a woman and thought the year was 1970, and he exclaimed to the judge later that he was her husband.
She got sent to the Asylum for Hysteria.
Wait, what? Was he actually her husband?
He was a Christian, so that actually meant he was AFTER the rape.
Wait, what? The Bible doesn't say that.
Actually yes, it does, and marital rape was legal until 1990.
WAIT WHAT? That's not funny.
I'll tell ya what's funny, that you think the women have nothing to complain about.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? - Carlos.
What's the city with the fastest growing population?
Ireland, cuz it's Dublin everyday!
Q. What do you call a biracial kid in a vegetative state?
A. A mixed vegetable.
I have had an obsession with soap. Don’t worry, I am all clean now!
Aren't paraplegics just plegics who can fly?
Why did the chef flip a pancake? Because he was a tosser.
A man walked into a fleshlight and died.
Why does a movie set say "break a leg"? Because they have a cast.
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation? A period. Why? Because it marks the end of a sentence.