Puns
How to catch Bigfoot: 1. Dig a large pit. 2. Build a fire in the pit and let it burn all the way to ashes. 3. Place small green peas all around the rim of the pit. 4. Hide in the bushes and wait. When Bigfoot goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
Why did the guitarist go to prison?
'Cause he fingered A minor.
At first I was skeptical, but the universe has really grown on me.
Wanna hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it's tearable.
People who are afraid of pedophiles... need to grow up.
What was the computer's best pickup line?
Nice bits!
Who’s the roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table?
Circumference.
Everything is made in China, except babies... They are made in Vachina.
Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
I heard there was a kidnapping.
Don't worry, he woke up in the back of a van.
It was his father's friend who was a priest.
He was just bringing him to church.
Aren't paraplegics just plegics who can fly?
If you try to fail and you succeed, which one did you do?
I went on a dating site looking for arsonists.
I found a lot of matches.
Two flies were playing football in a saucer. One tells the other, “You’ll need more practice if you want to play in the cup!”
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.