Puns
My mom wanted me to brush my hair.
And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...
Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?
He wanted to keep his nuts dry.
Why was the chef embarrassed?
He saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a fat fortune teller? A four-chin teller.
My wife still misses me... But her aim is getting better!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Nice belt."
There was a person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
My pal asked me why nobody wants to eat the spaghetti he makes in his restaurant.
Well, because it's impastable.
I lent my sister my bed. The next morning, she told me it worked like a dream.
What is common in my AirPods and the Titanic?
They sync properly.
Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory!
What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!
I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.
Why do ballerinas wear tutus?
The one-ones are too small and the three-threes are too big.
Knock knock! Who's there? Deja. Deja who? Knock knock!
I can tell you a pun about a pencil, oh! Never mind, it’s pointless.
A boy is sitting in a dentist chair getting braces, and a dentist comes in and says, "Brace yourself!"