Puns
What do bananas wear into battle? Banana-rama!
My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.
Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.
What do you call a spice with a PHD?
Dr. Pepper
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss!
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face.
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
What do you call an Irish man that breaks up fights?
Liam Malone.
Wanna know how I got away from Iraq? Iran.
If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?
What do you call a dead parrot?
Polygon.
A tiny psychic escaped from jail, and the news said there a small medium at large.
You know, I got a SKELETON of these jokes. All are HUMERUS. Yeah, this gets under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening. Hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!
A man got fired from the first coin factory. He exclaimed, "No! This is the only thing that's ever made cents!"
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
My brother couldn’t wait for fall, so I tripped him.
Two men were bartering over a marble slab. A lot of counter-offers were made.
Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.
Two fish were in a tank. One turned to the other and asked: "Hey, how do you drive this thing?"
What animal is best at hitting a baseball? -- A bat.