Puns
The cashier kicked me out because when he asked for 99 cents, I gave him 99 scents.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
- Carlos.
Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? -- Tequila Mockingbird.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
My friend, you lit my mind: that's what the lighter said to my thighs.
I am about to make a joke about cake. You butter believe it.
What's a similarity between a cliff hanger and nooses?
They both leave you hanging.
What's a depressed person's least favorite type of cereal?
LIFE.
If I hung myself from a cliff, would people call me a cliffhanger?
Why can't Michael Jackson ever win in a race? Because he always comes in a little behind.
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
What did the suicidal leprechaun say?
"Irish I was dead."
I don't like these Undertale jokes. They just don't make any sense.
The guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a no-bell prize.
Why doesn't my egg want to crack?
Because I hate my egg-sistence.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
Person 1: Stop making suicidal jokes!
Person 2: Okay, okay, I’ll cut it out.
Person 1: Really?
Person 2: They're not even that deep.
I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.