Puns
What did the marshmallow say when he was roasting in the fire? "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
What planets do Astronauts like to pee on?
Uranus!
(Say this out loud and it will make more sense.)
Me: (Tim) What's wrong?
Him: Wha...
Me: Are you inTIMidated?
My dad was a roof cleaner and I'm dedicating this to him, so dad, if you're up there!
Q: I'm a famous athlete and I've got a lot of fans.
A: Is that why I never see you sweat?
What is it called when a cow sings? A lawsuit.
Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.
What happened when the gun dealer found his pistol in his shoe?
He found that he had a piece in his sole!
I would tell you a chemistry pun, but I won't get a reaction.
I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.
I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."
What is the chair's favorite person?
A sit-izen.
Q. You know what really bugs me?
A. Insect puns.
You know, most people take rocks for granite... sorry.
So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?
Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"
Did you hear about the book about gravity? I couldn’t put it down.
I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."
What do you call a clever clock?
Clockwise.
I was to go to space camp, but then I realized I had no space to learn.
He: I'm Nike, and you're McDonalds.
She: Why?
He: 'Cause I'm doing it, and you're loving it. :)
They finally made a movie about a clock, about time.