My friend Richard is always bullying all the little kids in the neighborhood. He is such a dick.

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says, "Phew, it's hot in here." The other muffin says, "OMG, a talking muffin!"

Which legendary Dutch wanderer slept for twenty years, except when he got up to pee?

Rip Van Tinkle.

#1: What are you doing?

#2: Watching a movie.

#1: Oh, I know why, because you move-ie.