Puns

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

Why don't some people like pennies?

Because it's common cents.

How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.

I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.

So I was walking in a store, and a carrot and a lettuce said, "Lettuce leaf!" to me.

What do you call frozen web?

A web-cicle.

A boy went to a costume party with a girl on his back. Someone asked him what he was supposed to be. He answered, "A turtle."

"Then why do you have a girl on your back?" the guy asked again.

The boy answered, "It's Michelle."

I searched on Google, "How to start a wildfire?"

I got 39,300,000 matches.

The DNA told the tailor that he couldn't find his genes.

A guy was annoyed in a store. I walk up to him and said, "What's wrong, buddy? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned isle!"

I have a really good construction joke, but I’ll have to post it later because I’m still working on it.

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.

Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?

They only come out for the boos.

What is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson?

The location of the Dirtbag.

Why do ghosts love elevators? They lift their spirits!

I'd tell a science joke, but I was like, "Nah, it would get no reaction."

I have the funniest joke ever, here it is...

Your face!

I went into a forest with my sharp laptop with F13. Now I'm a real HACKER.

If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?

I lost my luggage at an airport once. I sued the airline, but I lost the case...