How does NASA organize a party? -- They planet.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.
Why did the gym close down? -- It just didn't work out.
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
