Puns

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.

Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

Because it was Luke warm.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.

Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

According to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.