I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.
I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue? -- You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.
Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.
What do sprinters eat before a race? -- Nothing, they fast.
According to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Nice belt."
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
