Puns

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.

Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

Because it was Luke warm.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.