Puns
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
Where do cows go on holiday? -- Moo Zealand.
Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Can a match box? No, but a tin can.
Can February march? -- No, but April may.
Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."
What did the fish say before he hit the wall? -- "Oh, dam."
When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? -- When there's a sail on it.
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory?
She was fed up with the hole business.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
How do trees get online? -- They just log in.
What do you call a nose without a body? -- Nobody knows.
Why are mountains so funny? -- Because they are hill areas.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.