What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Can a match box? No, but a tin can.
Can February march? -- No, but April may.
Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."
What did the fish say before he hit the wall? -- "Oh, dam."
When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? -- When there's a sail on it.
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory?
She was fed up with the hole business.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
How do trees get online? -- They just log in.
What do you call a nose without a body? -- Nobody knows.
Why are mountains so funny? -- Because they are hill areas.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.
What do Japanese men do when they vote? -- They have an erection.
How does NASA organize a party? -- They planet.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
