Puns

I ate a time machine once, it was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.

When you see a deer, what do you say?

"Oh deer!"

What did the car say when it crashed? That's wheely unfortunate!

What happened to the man who made too many bad jokes? He served out a cruel and unusual PUNishment.

A friend was doing bird puns on me. Then I realized that toucan play at that game.

What will Donald Trump build in our devices?

A firewall.

I rolled over a log and underneath was a tiny little stick, and I was like, "That log had a child!"

So I was making slime, so I put glue, and a lil' pump of lotion and slime activator. Ahah, lil pump, get it?

If you want any pictures of cheese for your laptop, I've got enough to Philadelphia.

That joke and paper have one thing in common: they're both tearable.

What did the dalmatian dog say after he finished his meal?

"That hit the spot?"

Are you guys alright?

If you answered yes then you are wrong. You are all LEFT. Kill me, hmph.

(This joke was taken from that none funny b*tch on Britain's Got Talent)

I have good faith in the glue police. They usually stick to their word.

I saw a bicycler flip over a gutter. It was pretty grate.

What do dairy products praise? Cheeseus.

I have a son. Her name is Zara.

I also have a dad. Her name is Lydia.

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

Last night, I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?