Punishment jokes
Suicide is illegal because it's a crime to destroy government property.
What's a convict's favorite chore?
Weeding.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?
A: Where's the holy baby?
You are all going to be pun-ished!
I just got a job at the prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
People who torture others for making bad puns should be severely punished.
Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
What happens when a frog parks illegally?
It gets toad.
Why did the kid who was blind, in jail, need light to see? He didn't, he needed to braille his way out.
I don't know if this is a joke or a question, but:
If killing yourself sends you to hell, where does sitting in the waiting room get you?
How do you punish Helen Keller?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
Not done yet.
Now they are.
Muslims don't need weed, they've got the Koran.
You burn that sh*t and you're gonna get stoned.
What makes suicide illegal?
Getting caught.
My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."
What's the hardest thing about being a rapist?
My dick.
What happened when a hammer punished the nail?
He hit him.
Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:
The guy says, "I'm a fireman."
The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"
The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."
The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
Why did Aaron slit his wrists?
Because it's him.