What's the smartest crime?
3rd degree murder.
When the police caught him stealing the batteries, he got immediately charged!
Three guys are stranded with cannibals on an island. The cannibals said, "Each one of you come back with 10 pieces of fruit and shove them up your butt showing no emotion." The first guy came back with 10 apples, and by the second one, he started to grunt, so he was killed and eaten.
The second one came back with cherries, and when he went to put the 10th one in, he started to laugh, so he was killed and eaten. The two guys met in heaven, and the first guy said, "Dude, you were so close. What happened?" The second one said, "I would have made it, but I saw the third guy come back with 10 pineapples!!" 😝😝🤣🤣
Why did the bum get a slap?
Because it was being too cheeky.
When I try to eat, but I hurt my feet. When I using a hoe, but I hurt my toe. When I going to a doctor, but then I get trolled. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!
When I using a copper, but I enveloped by a hopper. When I trying to draw someone, but it ended up with a punishment. When I spit on a bunny, it jumps right on me. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!
When I growing older, someone called me a slacker. When I was 33, I bumped into a tree. When I getting angry, people calls me crazy lady. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!
What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
If a kid refused to go to bed, does that make them guilty of resisting a rest?
Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?
Power off his chair.
How do you punish Helen Keller?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
Why did half of the world go to hell?
Because they were laughing at morbid jokes.
(You've been warned!)
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation?
A period.
Why?
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
What’s the definition of a pedophile, Tyler?
Who's a pineapple? I'm a pineapple... Yass.
Teacher and kid.
Kid: Hey, teacher.
Teacher: Yes?
Kid: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Kid: Well, I didn't do my homework!
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball and told her to “read this book”.
When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.
Why did the person go to jail?
He committed a crime.
I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.
