Pregnancy jokes

What is 6" long, bright red, and your wife cries when you feed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

Your mom is so weak, when she jumped from the Twin Towers, her baby became disabled.

If babies stay in their mothers for 9 months, are they not 9 months old when they are born?

What is more time-consuming than children?

Waiting for your wife to go into labor!

When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!

What’s red, slimy, and makes my wife scream? Two failed abortions!

My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."

Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.

What do a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her have in common?

They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

Q: Name a murderer?

Aborted fetus: My mum.

Why can't you ever fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn't born yesterday!

What’s the difference between a fetus and a jar of pickles?

The pickles aren’t as tasty in a jar.

How do you know if a black lady’s pregnant?

You put a banana up her vagina and see if any little monkeys come and get it.

Do you know how babies are made? The boy puts his penis in the girl's butt and goes up and down for ten minutes. Then the girl takes a pregnancy test, and if it says no, then you keep doing it until she is pregnant.

The boy will lick the girl down there, and she will put his penis in her mouth and suck it. Then he will spit on his hand and rub it on her boobs and lick/suck them.

What's better than throwing up a stillborn?

Making your wife eat it again.

Wanna know something funny? Well, there was this one time when my parents were talking about their marriage.

Then after the wedding, they decided to make a joke, and then 9 months later, I was born. My birthday (4/1/06) April 1, 2006.

Why did the failed abortion climb up the woman’s leg?

It was homesick.

So, this woman had a job. She wanted to hang out with her boyfriend, so she lied about having the coronavirus. Then she got out of work. Then she was texting her boss when she thought she was texting her boyfriend. Then she said, "I lied. Now we can...you know...water...sigh...lick...sigh." Then her boss texted, "Ew and YOU'RE FIRED."

One more story: One day this teen named Alexis got kicked out of a house, then went to live with her boyfriend. Then she got pregnant and posted it all on social media.

Why did the goat have an abortion?

Because she already had too many kids!

How did Mary get pregnant with baby Jesus?

God fucked her.