Pregnancy jokes

The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"

Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.

...

I guess her rubber broke too.

So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.

The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.

So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”

My mother was suffering from menstrual pain. So I fucked her for 7 hours to ease her pain. I continued to do so for the next 6 days. Even after fucking her 51 times during her 7-day period, I fucked her 5-6 times a day for the next three months and stopped her period for 9 months! Only her son can understand and ease the pain of a mother.

A guy and a woman are walking into a forest. The woman says she is lonely. The guy then says, "Don't worry, there will be a third person in a little while."

What's similar between a fetus and a failed mission?

You abort it.

What looks like peanut butter and jelly, and makes a woman scream?

Afterbirth.

What happens when an angel and nun "have some fun and forget pills"?

The nun gets pregNUNt.

What's red, six inches long, and made my girlfriend cry when I fed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

Men play video games to let their inner child out, while women do abortions.

What [is] another name for an abortion?

Canceling your delivery.

If a baby dies in the womb, is it considered suicide?

I don't get why it is called abortion instead of murder.

Q. What's red and crawls up your leg?

A. A homesick abortion.

Every good joke has its delivery, except abortion jokes, because they have none.

What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

What does a pregnant slave and a "pay less" sale have in common?

Buy one, get one free.

If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.