Pregnancy jokes

"Abortion: Another word for dying at spawn."

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......

The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"

Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.

...

I guess her rubber broke too.

So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.

The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.

So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”

A guy and a woman are walking into a forest. The woman says she is lonely. The guy then says, "Don't worry, there will be a third person in a little while."

What's similar between a fetus and a failed mission?

You abort it.

What looks like peanut butter and jelly, and makes a woman scream?

Afterbirth.

What happens when an angel and nun "have some fun and forget pills"?

The nun gets pregNUNt.

What's red, six inches long, and made my girlfriend cry when I fed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

Men play video games to let their inner child out, while women do abortions.

What [is] another name for an abortion?

Canceling your delivery.

If a baby dies in the womb, is it considered suicide?

Q. What's red and crawls up your leg?

A. A homesick abortion.

I don't get why it is called abortion instead of murder.

Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is it murder-suicide?

Your hairline is the reason why some women have miscarriages.

A woman having labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.

“Those are just contractions.”

If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?