Pregnancy jokes
What's the best thing about abortion jokes?
They never get old.
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
What's 6ft long, red, and my girlfriend cries when I feed it to her?
A miscarriage.
Q: What's the difference between a fetus and an onion?
A: One makes you cry when you chop it into pieces.
Q. What's red and crawls up your leg?
A. A homesick abortion.
Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.
Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.
And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
Why did the little kid cry? His dad forgot to pull out.
Every bad joke can become a good joke with a good delivery, but abortion jokes, they have no delivery.
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is it murder-suicide?
What’s red, slimy, and makes my wife scream? Two failed abortions!
What's the most embarrassing thing about locking your keys in the car outside a pregnancy care center?
Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.
Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.
Guy 1: How far are we going?
Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.
I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.
Q. What do you call a baby born six months early?
A. A miscarriage.
When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.
What do you call a pregnant slave? Buy one get one free.
I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......
What [is] another name for an abortion?
Canceling your delivery.