Pregnancy jokes

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

A woman having labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.

“Those are just contractions.”

Your hairline is the reason why some women have miscarriages.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is it murder-suicide?

Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.

Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.

And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...

Hondo's dad and mum went up the hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a Hondo.

Jack and Jill went up a hill. His condom ripped, and now they are from Alabama.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...

And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.

What is black and white and red all over?

An interracial abortion.

Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.

I would tell you an abortion joke, but it was only temporary.

So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.

Why do they call it abortion? Because they aborted the mission.

Guy: Hi, how was your day today?

Woman: Good!

Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*

Guy: How many months pregnant are you?

Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.

A 17 year old pregnant Juanita flew all the way to NY from TX to get an abortion. Initially, she was denied the procedure because she wasn't COVID boosted, but after she explained the father was religious and wanted to be involved, they quickly resolved the threat.

I was gonna tell a baby joke, but I had to abort.

Guy 1: How far are we going?

Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.