Politics jokes

You know why Ted Cruz left Texas?

Because they never take a chill pill.

What do cheap people use to talk?

Free speech.

China, unban Google, r.n. noOoOooOw!

President: Them damn flat faced n**g*rs!!

Man: We have the power of the sun itself!

President: Drop it on them!

Man: You push the button.

President: *sigh* Fine give it to me.

Man: Hands over button

President: Pushes it

Both: YAAA!

President: Bumps into the button pressing it again

Both: Oh, sh*t!

Meanwhile in Japan after the first bomb went off

Japanese man: Ah sh*t here we go again

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop," said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop," said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated, replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Which freedom fighter do we say "good morning" every day?

Answer: Subah Chandra Bose.

"Subah" means morning.

Black lives matter.

What do orphans and Trump supporters have in common?

No one likes them.

Hey, do you know why America sucks? We have the death penalty.

A UN survey asked the following: Please, in your honest opinion, could you give your thoughts on the food shortages in the rest of the world?

It was a failure because:

South Americans don’t know the word “please.”

Eastern Europeans don’t know the word “honest.”

Middle Easterns don’t know the word “opinion.”

Balkans don’t know the word “give.”

Chinese don’t know the word “thoughts.”

Africans don’t know the word “food.”

Western Europeans don’t know the word “shortage.”

Americans don’t know the words “the rest of the world.”

Then they simply explained “just donate healthy food to the global south to help.” But that still didn’t sit right with everyone, because Israelis do not know the word “donate,” and Pacific Islanders do not know the words “healthy food.”

Why is Donald Trump president?

So he can deport Mexicans to Mexico.

Dora, where do we go next?

Kids at home: Area 51.

Meanwhile,

Dora: Let’s go deliver the evidence to President Biden.

1 day later,

Dora: WE DID IT, HOORAY!

If you argued that God was a woman, 49.8% of the US population would try and raise Hell.

Just to ask the other guy.

Talk about a male supremacist religion.

What hates socialism but still uses roads, police, and says they support the military?

Dumb right wingers.

Why will America always lose in chess?

It lost its two towers!

Mike Pence should have been eaten like Trump fans were saying!

I'm going to bomb a little child (I'm an USA bomber).

How to run from Iran?

Iran away!

Secret code that Bin Laden sent to Obama but couldn't decipher!

It was eloHssA OllEH!!

Super Boy from Korea.

Are you guys alright?

If you answered yes then you are wrong. You are all LEFT. Kill me, hmph.

(This joke was taken from that none funny b*tch on Britain's Got Talent)