Someone stole my toilet, and the police have nothing to go on.
What is the difference between a banana and a helicopter? Neither of them is a police officer.
What’s a homo police dog?
A gay-9.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
What did the rapist say to his victim?
"Go ahead, call the police. We will see who comes first."
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
