I was arrested for eating too much crack on accident. How?
My sister came into my room shoving her ass in my face.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Chuck Norris gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop gets a ticket.
What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?
With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.
A police officer said to a belly button, "You're under a-vest."
What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?
Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.
Yo mama so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police she got mugged.
If cops are called pigs, then security guards are piglets.
A man was reported stealing a bar of soap from a corner store. The police concluded that he made a clean getaway.
what do you call a drunken sailer?
arrested.
A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.
Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!
The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They come across an old shack with three burlap sacks. They each hop into one of them. The police come and kick the one with the brunette in it. She goes, "Mew, mew." The police say, "Oh, it's just a bag of kittens." Then they kick the one with the redhead. "Woof, woof." They think, "Oh, it's just a bag of puppies." Then they kick the one with the blonde in it. She goes, "POTATOES!!" And gets arrested.
I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.
Q: What is red, white, and blue and fun to watch?
A: A cop car rolling over after trying to catch someone for speeding.
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.
