Police jokes
You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.
My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"
There was a kidnapping at school.
Don't worry, he woke up.
There is a Mexican sitting on a train.
The guy sitting next to him says, "I have a big dick."
The Mexican decides to get a lawnmower and some clippers. When he got off the train, the police found a dead body with no dick and pube hairs.
A married woman gets hit by a truck, and the cops tell her husband:
Cop: "Sir, it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
Man: "I know, but she has a great personality."
Why can't a blonde call 911?
She can't find the 11.
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbor.
Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?
Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.
What did one detective say to the other detective?
"Disguise is lookin' suspicious."
There's a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run.
Why did the duck get arrested? For selling quack.
I was arrested for eating too much crack on accident. How?
My sister came into my room shoving her ass in my face.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Chuck Norris gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop gets a ticket.
What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?
With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.
A police officer said to a belly button, "You're under a-vest."
What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?
Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.
Yo mama so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police she got mugged.
If cops are called pigs, then security guards are piglets.