Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
A woman was sitting alone at a bar, and a man approached her. He asked her why she looked so sad. She responded that her boyfriend had just broken up with her because she was too kinky.
The man expressed his amazement when he admitted that his girlfriend had dumped him because of his fetishes. After a few drinks, they decided to go back to her place.
When they arrived, she told him to make himself comfortable while she freshened up. The man complied. After a long time, she burst open her bedroom door and said, "I hope you're ready!"
She stood in the doorway wearing a latex body suit and a gas mask. She had a whip in one hand, a flogger in the other hand, and a 12-inch strap-on dangling between her thighs.
The dude looked at her and said, "Thanks, but I'm good for the night!"
She said, "I thought you said that you were kinky."
The dude replied, "While you were in there, I f-cked your cat, pissed in your plants, and came on your curtains. It's been fun!"
If you have emo grass and don't pay attention to it, it will cut itself.
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To pick some dill.
Jack slid down the hill and hurt his leg of skill,
And he needed a painkiller pill.
I just planted emo grass.
Ignore it and it cuts itself.
An emo tried to high-five a tree.
It left him hanging
My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.
Until I threw a watermelon in her face.
What's Jack's favorite flower? A rose.
What do you call grass that grows in space?
Astro-turf.
A woman went into her garden and danced in front of her vegetables.
The next morning, her corn didn’t grow, and the tomatoes didn’t blush or turn red, but the cucumbers grew four inches.
You're so ugly, you make onions cry.
Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?
What's an orphan's favorite flower?
Self-raising flour.
In a thick Russian accent:
"Let's buy some vodka, pollute the earth with oil, and make insecure nuclear power plants that break all the time! Ah, yes. The mother land. A great place to be. Not like those stupid Ukrainian people who are living happy lives, they are crazy and need to die."
Spring is here, I got so excited, I wet my plants!
Why is the Azovstal Steel Plant important to the Russian?
Because it stores Zelensky's balls of steel!
What if plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we die, and turn into natural fertilizer which helps them?
Why did the panda cross the road to get to the bamboo house?
What do you call a flat cabbage?
A leaf pile.
What's the difference between an orphan and a flower?
The flowers actually get picked.
