Personal jokes

How do you piss off a disabled person?

You put the cookie on the other shoulder.

Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"

Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*

The only person I'd have a cooking lesson with is Hitler.

An astronomer walked up to me and I was like, "Give me some space..."

Are you getting the funnies?

I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and left. Right.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

Alright class, the person who answers my next question gets to go home.

Then a guy throws a pencil. The teacher asks, "Who threw that pencil?" "I did, I get to go home."

What do you call an Indian person who is not starving? Dead.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Two persons were in a car. The brakes were broken and they were going so fast that they would crash and die.

The driver said: "Oh no! We will die!" but the person sitting next to him replied: "Don't panic, the stop sign at the end of the road will stop us."

They say that bad things happen to good people.

So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.

What is the difference between tuna, a piano, and glue? You can tuna a piano, but you cannot piano a tuna.

(The person you ask should say what about the glue.) Response: I knew you would get stuck there.

What’s the difference between a Black person and snow tires?

Snow tires still work after you take the chains off.

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

Why did the Down syndrome person cross the road? Because there was a zebra crossing!

Who is this Gwen person?

America has white people that are terrorists and racists. They love to blame people from different countries for what they have done.

White person: "We are not terrorists. Why would [we] ever do that in our history?"

The rest of the people: *looks at them stupid* "Y'all were the first motherfuckers to be a terrorist first and then wanting to blame others for your action."

1 person: "You still carrying that confederate flag. It means hatred and [you're] still trying to fight to bring back slaves again. Y'all say it's heritage and not hate, but [you're] clearly still a fucking loser, and your flag has an X [on it, which] means wrong. So... Still a loser. People can't be racist to a racist. It just doesn't make sense. I'm not saying all white people are racist, but I am talking about the ones who voted for Trump and be blind as hell. FUCK DONALD TRUMP AND THE RACIST PEOPLE!"

What do you call a person with Down syndrome who graduated high school?

Impossible!

An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. "You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?" The Cuban simply says, "See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap."

The other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Oh, OK."

The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. "You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?" The Russian simply states, "See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap." Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Ah, yes! Of course."

The American scratches his head and goes, "I think I see the pattern here." So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!

So my ex, who wouldn't leave me alone because she thought I was the best person in the world even though Will has a better haircut than me, but anyway, when we broke up she said I was the worst person she ever met, and I told her she looks like a cross between a beaver and a mole rat.

Then I told her she has the Wendy's logo haircut and then some other things I'm not gonna say. 2 years of bullshit, I was done.

Anyways, she cried lol.